They threw away our chair.
I shouldn’t be so emotional about it, but all I see is her sitting there, on that chair, by the window on those final days we were moving away from the apartment as summer starts.
She beckons to me like it was yesterday-
My heart dies.
Eventually the things that are ours -not mine, not hers- dwindles.
I feel like my breath leaves along with it.
My chest is heavy. I don’t breathe so well these days.
We’d used the box from that chair for our tent, I think.
And I still remember all the trouble we went through to put the chair together; the mechanism to pump the seat higher was stuck at first, and to this day I have no idea how we got it to move.
We didn’t actually use the chair all that much?
It was pointless to have one single chair when there were two people in the room. Especially when it was so much more convenient to sit on the ground where the blanket was.
I sat on that chair to eat noodles, once.
I’d come back from a half-day at uni, and I’d newly cleaned the entire apartment while waiting for her flight to arrive.
The Happy Working Song was singing throughout.
In another time, at another instant…
When our love was still fresh and she’d still had plans to decorate the apartment,
I remember studying on that chair; she’d banished me to the inner room because being with her distracts me way too much.
I’d sat there, staring at the cork boards and wondering when she would come in to visit me.
And my heart was alive.
I haven’t cried in a long, long time.
All smileys. I’ve taken a much lighter approach in life- don’t ask for much, don’t really mind anything.
Careless. Let it Go.
Since she left I’ve never been entirely happy, either.
It’s okay. I’ve found someone I could love with my all and I’ve no regrets.
A friend asked me, if I could have one wish- any wish- what would I ask the Genie?
I want so many things. Everything.
I want her to magically come back to me. I want to live again. And with her by my side, I’d find the courage to apply into Dental school once more.
Succeed in life. Succeed in love.
Take care of my mom!
Make everyone proud.
But gosh the human heart doesn’t work that way.
I want to sleep and never wake. I want to stay in that past, when that chair was still so new… I want to live in that dream, that wonderful year forever.
Any of that, all of those wants would make me entirely happy.
But it doesn’t work that way, and selfishness will only cause pain to those we love.
If there is a Genie, I would ask him to erase all of my memories. Erase that which I hold most dear, delete all these twenty something years that make me who I am.
Because “I” would gladly love her forever. I can’t undo it, cannot take back the heart I’d given no matter how hard I tried for these past three years. For as long as I am me, I’d selfishly cling on and on and try to find her always.
But I know how horrible it feels when someone loves you and you can’t love them back.
If that’s the best thing that I can do for her, I’d gladly do it.
Except that I’m only saying this. There are no wishes, and I can’t really do it, can I?
Whoever salvaged that chair before the trash collectors could find it-
Each mark, each tear…You’d never know it, but those make up the memories of the happiest time of my life.
I hope it brings you good luck.